Truth Be Told

I am a stranger.  Even when I try to be honest with others, I still become a stranger.  The moment you get too close, I pull away.  Many have put in time and effort; years of love, acceptance, encouragement, and reassurance.  To those select few, allowance of portions of honest truth have been rendered.

Those in which I love dearly and have allowed that exchanged intimacy have been branded in my heart as worthy of my loyalties.  But there's still one that I hold at arms lengths; Him.

Whilst I know in my head that I am ever loved, my heart is determined to run and hide from this monstrous, beautiful kind of love.  I know I have been granted forgiveness, but sometimes my heart encases itself with a brick wall and denies; just one of my many defense mechanisms.

Truth be told, I am terrified to let you all love me.  I fearful be being hurt and hurting you.  But He calls us to love and submit to one another and I am making an effort to start this action.  I must humble myself before you, my loved ones.

"Listen, daughter;" it's as if He is requesting this.  My words are to be minimized, and my voice spoken in silence.  Humble and listen; humble and listen.

Good night dearests.  

Revelation: Hurt Will Heal

In June 2011 I was baptized a believer's baptism.  While this was a turning point for me, it hasn't been an easy road since.  I understand what it means to have a believer's baptism, but have I been living a life even remotely appropriate for a young Christian?

My story may sound so familiar to some and foreign to others.  When I was 17 years old, I began a journey of depression; my inward being dark and numb.  It was this time when I needed Him the most but was determined to rid myself of love.  My honest belief for many years was, "I want to be loved but am not worthy of love."  While I had times of ups, I was always eventually overcome with darkness.  While depression is nothing to be ashamed of in my eyes, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

Today I met with my mentor and we discussed isolation and loneliness.  While I've always been one to surround myself with others, I realize this has been a mask.  I love those I surround myself with, but I don't always allow them to love me in return.  I isolate and I relish in loneliness.

The reason for sharing this?  Well, because today I realized I am hurt, but also that I can heal.  It will take time and I have to rely on the Lord and my fellowship to help me through.  One of the hardest things for me is to be completely honest with myself, let alone others.  But... today I start anew.  

Understand something before you think me a cliche:  I will probably not follow up on this blog post for sometime as I may hit another low before I can start on the up and up.  But that doesn't mean I am not sincere in this moment.  I believe in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and all he stands for.  Today is just one of those days where He helped me awaken my soul to Him.

Whether you are a believer or not, I challenge you to think about what, in realistic terms, it means to heal the hurt we all have.  On a personal not, I need to fellowship and not be fearful of being denied or even being loved.  

We all hurt, but we all can be healed.  In this moment, I surrender all to You!