D is for ..........

I'm twenty five years old, I've never been kissed and have never been in love, yet I've experienced heartache.  No matter the kinds of heartache that exist, from my life happenings I've come to find the heartache of hating oneself to be the worst of them all.

As a child I was happy with a sort of melancholy streak to me.  Or maybe I just remember my melancholy moments more than the happy ones.  Either way, I know myself to exist in a realm of sadness, a world a little more black than blue.  It hurts to live there.  

No matter my bleak darkness that ensues from time to time, I've seen light.  The source of this light is more than myself, more than my darkness.  And while the light is important and is the end, it's not the current.

The D has subsided into occasional numb glee due to medication, but the black still exists in my core.  It will reside with me until the day of the light.

D took my will at times; my will to plod on and concur my decent.  With it went my self-care.  Not just my physical caring for myself, but my mental and emotional caring.  I was dirty inside and out.

I don't remember the first time it happened, but I do remember the worst and the last.  I remember feeling so significantly dirty.  I couldn't put it into words at the time, but the emotion lingered like a stench of rot.  I hated what was before me and what was inside of me.  What nails I had I used as a weapon against myself.  I peeled layer of dirt after layer off in a harsh rhythm.

Space.  It was over and all I could do was stare.  It was the worst it ever was.  Not the worst it could have been.  But worst than most will experience.  My heart was broken, but no one was at fault.  No death had torn me apart, no love of man grated and shred me to pieces.

It rendered me emotionally unconscious for what seemed like months.

My mother doesn't remember seeing the scabs one morning as she fought with me to wake up.  Sadly, I wish she had.  

The last time, I was in control; a deliberate mutilation.  But with being in control I instead of hiding in my cocoon of numb emotion, expressed the hurt to a trustworthy party.  No one have I trusted more.

It all will be part of the blackness within until the day of the light.

D became my world.  My everything in a sense.  We search to identify with something and I just so happened to identify with Depression.  I was no longer me, but D.

I've since identified with D as a past lover.  Someone I still know oh so well, but harbor strong, negative emotions toward.

Now I sit in wait of the day of light.  Change is happening and it is beautiful, but it sure as hell is hard!

Starting Here.

Today I sit down, heavy with the insecurity of my current state.  I, like many people this time of year, have drained myself financially, not to mention losing sight of my weight loss goals.  There has been a complete "let-go" of my needs this past month.  As much as I know I can concur and overcome, I also know myself well enough to know that when I feel this way I tend to give in to my fleeting desires of destruction.

But here's what I've learned, through self-reflection and understanding my modes of being, I can change.  It is through re-examining the difficulties of life that I am able to adjust my actions.  I can start where I am today.

So where am I?  I am financially in debt, I am morbidly obese, and I am not in my best mental shape.  I know that by working on item two, item three will continuously get better.  But item one is ingrained in me.  I need to teach myself how to be fiscally responsible.  I am on a good start by looking at my accounts and getting everything up-to-date along with having savings goals (debt free and another European sojourn).

There are things in life to look forward to, and while I sit in heavy uncertainty sometimes, I also know I can do amazing things if I just start where I am today and move forward.  I will fall time and time again, but nonetheless I will succeed and overcome.  I WILL CONCUR!

You Have to Start Somewhere.

My roommate has this view on life I've never imagined someone to have.  She's constantly correcting me, "It's not try, it's do."  Of course, she's been down this same road before, so I trust her words and actions.

With this being the season of family and food, I'm doing something different:  I'm taking care of myself.  Meaning, I'll no longer damage myself with food and worrisome thoughts.

My journey really began in mid-October when my roommate and I moved into our wonderful home.  Everything started out great, but I slowly felt myself sliding back into my old habits:  getting up late, eating terrible foods, overeating those foods, and being an all-around lazy bum.  When we moved in, I was roughly two hundred and eighty seven pounds - my heaviest ever.  My long term goal is not as important to me at this point, but rather my short term goals of eating healthier and exercising.

I will be logging my journey at least once a week from here on out.  I want to remember myself at the start, during the process to my goal weight, and beyond.

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I love this quote from Lucille Ball.  Although it may not hold true all the time, I believe that once enough time has gone by, and if you've loved yourself in that time, then the picture will be whole and it'll seem as if everything fell into place - even if it's not what you expected!

This journey is truly going to be about having to love myself.  Not in a selfish way, but in a healthy, respectful manner where I treat my body not as I have, but instead with love by giving it what it deserves and needs in the way of food and exercise.

On a similar, but different note, I am going to cease all alcohol intake starting today.  I will allot myself two drinks on New Year's Eve and then re-evaluate.

World, to be honest, I feel I have the makings for dependency issues with alcohol.  I just need to be honest about that because it is part of who I am.  I'm fearful that when I stop depending upon food for comfort, that my drinking would take over as my enemy.

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"This is the start of a beautiful life" she said as she began removing her bad habits.  And that's the way she'll stay.  It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

Sincerely,

CJB