Truth Be Told

I am a stranger.  Even when I try to be honest with others, I still become a stranger.  The moment you get too close, I pull away.  Many have put in time and effort; years of love, acceptance, encouragement, and reassurance.  To those select few, allowance of portions of honest truth have been rendered.

Those in which I love dearly and have allowed that exchanged intimacy have been branded in my heart as worthy of my loyalties.  But there's still one that I hold at arms lengths; Him.

Whilst I know in my head that I am ever loved, my heart is determined to run and hide from this monstrous, beautiful kind of love.  I know I have been granted forgiveness, but sometimes my heart encases itself with a brick wall and denies; just one of my many defense mechanisms.

Truth be told, I am terrified to let you all love me.  I fearful be being hurt and hurting you.  But He calls us to love and submit to one another and I am making an effort to start this action.  I must humble myself before you, my loved ones.

"Listen, daughter;" it's as if He is requesting this.  My words are to be minimized, and my voice spoken in silence.  Humble and listen; humble and listen.

Good night dearests.  

Revelation: Hurt Will Heal

In June 2011 I was baptized a believer's baptism.  While this was a turning point for me, it hasn't been an easy road since.  I understand what it means to have a believer's baptism, but have I been living a life even remotely appropriate for a young Christian?

My story may sound so familiar to some and foreign to others.  When I was 17 years old, I began a journey of depression; my inward being dark and numb.  It was this time when I needed Him the most but was determined to rid myself of love.  My honest belief for many years was, "I want to be loved but am not worthy of love."  While I had times of ups, I was always eventually overcome with darkness.  While depression is nothing to be ashamed of in my eyes, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

Today I met with my mentor and we discussed isolation and loneliness.  While I've always been one to surround myself with others, I realize this has been a mask.  I love those I surround myself with, but I don't always allow them to love me in return.  I isolate and I relish in loneliness.

The reason for sharing this?  Well, because today I realized I am hurt, but also that I can heal.  It will take time and I have to rely on the Lord and my fellowship to help me through.  One of the hardest things for me is to be completely honest with myself, let alone others.  But... today I start anew.  

Understand something before you think me a cliche:  I will probably not follow up on this blog post for sometime as I may hit another low before I can start on the up and up.  But that doesn't mean I am not sincere in this moment.  I believe in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and all he stands for.  Today is just one of those days where He helped me awaken my soul to Him.

Whether you are a believer or not, I challenge you to think about what, in realistic terms, it means to heal the hurt we all have.  On a personal not, I need to fellowship and not be fearful of being denied or even being loved.  

We all hurt, but we all can be healed.  In this moment, I surrender all to You! 

D is for ..........

I'm twenty five years old, I've never been kissed and have never been in love, yet I've experienced heartache.  No matter the kinds of heartache that exist, from my life happenings I've come to find the heartache of hating oneself to be the worst of them all.

As a child I was happy with a sort of melancholy streak to me.  Or maybe I just remember my melancholy moments more than the happy ones.  Either way, I know myself to exist in a realm of sadness, a world a little more black than blue.  It hurts to live there.  

No matter my bleak darkness that ensues from time to time, I've seen light.  The source of this light is more than myself, more than my darkness.  And while the light is important and is the end, it's not the current.

The D has subsided into occasional numb glee due to medication, but the black still exists in my core.  It will reside with me until the day of the light.

D took my will at times; my will to plod on and concur my decent.  With it went my self-care.  Not just my physical caring for myself, but my mental and emotional caring.  I was dirty inside and out.

I don't remember the first time it happened, but I do remember the worst and the last.  I remember feeling so significantly dirty.  I couldn't put it into words at the time, but the emotion lingered like a stench of rot.  I hated what was before me and what was inside of me.  What nails I had I used as a weapon against myself.  I peeled layer of dirt after layer off in a harsh rhythm.

Space.  It was over and all I could do was stare.  It was the worst it ever was.  Not the worst it could have been.  But worst than most will experience.  My heart was broken, but no one was at fault.  No death had torn me apart, no love of man grated and shred me to pieces.

It rendered me emotionally unconscious for what seemed like months.

My mother doesn't remember seeing the scabs one morning as she fought with me to wake up.  Sadly, I wish she had.  

The last time, I was in control; a deliberate mutilation.  But with being in control I instead of hiding in my cocoon of numb emotion, expressed the hurt to a trustworthy party.  No one have I trusted more.

It all will be part of the blackness within until the day of the light.

D became my world.  My everything in a sense.  We search to identify with something and I just so happened to identify with Depression.  I was no longer me, but D.

I've since identified with D as a past lover.  Someone I still know oh so well, but harbor strong, negative emotions toward.

Now I sit in wait of the day of light.  Change is happening and it is beautiful, but it sure as hell is hard!

Starting Here.

Today I sit down, heavy with the insecurity of my current state.  I, like many people this time of year, have drained myself financially, not to mention losing sight of my weight loss goals.  There has been a complete "let-go" of my needs this past month.  As much as I know I can concur and overcome, I also know myself well enough to know that when I feel this way I tend to give in to my fleeting desires of destruction.

But here's what I've learned, through self-reflection and understanding my modes of being, I can change.  It is through re-examining the difficulties of life that I am able to adjust my actions.  I can start where I am today.

So where am I?  I am financially in debt, I am morbidly obese, and I am not in my best mental shape.  I know that by working on item two, item three will continuously get better.  But item one is ingrained in me.  I need to teach myself how to be fiscally responsible.  I am on a good start by looking at my accounts and getting everything up-to-date along with having savings goals (debt free and another European sojourn).

There are things in life to look forward to, and while I sit in heavy uncertainty sometimes, I also know I can do amazing things if I just start where I am today and move forward.  I will fall time and time again, but nonetheless I will succeed and overcome.  I WILL CONCUR!